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In a relationship where one individual has an addiction, the partner often becomes over-involved in the addict's life. They frequently demonstrate enabling behaviors such as trying to “fix the addict” or to “rescue them.” Very often the codependent person feels deeply responsible for the addicted person. All they talk and think about is the problem their partner is facing. They often also feel it is their job to get their partner to stop the addict from his addiction. They eventually learn that the only person they can change is themselves.
If a person becomes chemically dependent, the partner often makes excuses or covers for their addicted partner. If a man gets drunk and is unable to go to work he might pressure his wife or partner to call in and say he was sick. She also often may clean up things he has broken or even clean an area where he has thrown up in. If he was late paying a bill, she might make excuses for him. This is called Enabling.
The partner that is “enabling” is not responsible for the partner's addictions. However, when the partner cleans up after, or covers for the addict, they are enabling the addict not to face the consequences of their actions. The codependent becomes more upset about the problem than the person who has the addiction. It is very hard for an enabler to let the consequences fall on the addict, because usually they are very fearful. Codependents can feel terrified of losing the relationship they have with the addict. They know that if their partner gets in trouble at work they may lose their job. Often codependents grew up with parents who had addictions. Codependence and enabling are often learned behaviors.
Codependents need to realize that they cannot make an addict stop his addiction, but they can call on the addict to accept responsibility for their decisions. To love a person who is an addict is not to clean up their messes. The less those around them enable an addict, the more the addict is forced to face their issues. The addict has some hard choices to make.
Many times by over-focusing on the addict's life, the codependent is able to ignore his/her own painful issues. There are many support groups available that can help a person to identify ways that they are enabling others. If the codependent person is being harmed emotionally or physically, these groups can help them determine whether it is safer to stay and set boundaries or to leave. The support groups can help someone who has no boundaries to come up with good boundaries and then to stick to them. Also, groups like these can help a codependent to work on painful issues in their own lives.
Many join support religious support groups. Some are very helpful. Many who have a relationship with God find even greater strength. Making changes to lifelong habits and patterns is hard.
Most of us make enough mistakes already, so why take on responsibility for our partner's mistakes as well? Every relationship has problems and every person in a relationship eventually hurts his or her partner. That does not give the addicted person an excuse to start a bad habit or become addicted. The person with the addiction is the one who started the bad habit, and supplies himself with whatever he or she is addicted to.
Codependents are only responsible for what they do. When there are things that they do that they know upset their partner and still do them, then they are responsible to try to understand and make changes. Regardless of our choices, we do not “make them” become addicts. They are responsible for their choices. If a person stays up late, and is tired the next day, it is their responsibility that they are tired.
Codependency can be called an other-addiction. The other that they are addicted to may or may not be another person. If it is a person, they may or may not be chemically dependent. The codependent could be addicted to approval or affirmation of others. They could only be happy if others “make 'them feel happy. They also can be “If-only” addicted. If only XYZ would happen, then they think they will be happy. They are looking for people, things, or circumstances outside of themselves, or how others react to them to bring them happiness.
The problem with this is that it doesn’t work! We have no control over how others feel or act towards us. It is not anyone else’s responsibility to make us happy. We set ourselves up to be unhappy if we need others approval or acceptance to find any happiness.
Sometimes the person we are in relationship with doesn't contribute anything to the home or relationship, and just sits back and lets us do all of the work. The hard working one in the relationship can become very tired and even resentful. They start out “rescuing 'the partner. Then they begin to resent the partner. This is especially true when the "victim" is not grateful.
Eventually this resentment can spill over and the person who began as a rescuer might become abusive and the one not doing her or his share becomes a victim.
Often the person being “rescued” starts to feel either incompetent or guilty. Then they may lash out at the rescuer. And the rescuer can feel extremely frustrated that they are not appreciated. After all, allot of their rescuing is done to meet their need for approval. Or, they may feel, look how much I have done for “the victim.” The person who has been overdoing it starts to see that person not doing his share as being incompetent. Then they might lash out at the rescue and become a persecutor. It just can become downright ugly.
Codependents often struggle with an overwhelming need for approval from others around them. Sometimes they will do things that are against their values or standards because of their great need for others to approve of them. Often, their need for approval will drive them to burn themselves out, to please others and give, give, give. Even if they are exhausted and feeling resentful, they don't think they should feel that way. So, they push on.
Codependent people may also have difficulty owning their own feelings. While everyone experiences a wide range of feelings, codependent people tend to experience them in a way that completely overwhelms them. This is because their feelings may have been minimized in the past- possibly for years. To deal with this, they desperately begin to seek affirmation of their thoughts and feelings. In doing so, they begin to place more importance on other people's opinions than on their own. They have learned not to trust their own feelings, and eventually cannot even recognize them, since they are so accustomed to “feeling the way they 'should feel'” in certain situations.
Pia Mellody in her book, Facing Codependence (What it Is, Where it Comes From, How it Sabotages Our Lives) discusses an idea that she calls Positive Control. She says that for every person, what they think and feel is their reality. So if others say to them ,"Oh, it's not that bad," they do not have to accept that. They need to allow themselves to feel whatever it is they feel instead of pushing it away or trying to change it. They can then look at their feelings and underlying beliefs. These feelings then become less overwhelming. If it is sad, they can allow themselves to grieve to cry and to be healed. If they learn to own their own feelings and work through the underlying beliefs, then, they will have more energy to really love others, not just for the approval that they crave. They also will learn to take care of themselves. Helping others will change from being "a chore" or an 'I have to' to 'I will help because I feel good,' or 'I will do this because I want to.' They can allow themselves to even say no once in a while because their value is not in what they do.
Another type of codependency shows up with feelings of worthlessness. These are people who feel that they have to be perfect (always doing good things for others and never making a mistake). Often they feel that to have any value, they have to earn it and be good enough.
Some feel so worthless that they can begin to think and feel that they do not deserve to live. If they feel that they are a failure, then even a very minor mistake can only confirm to them their belief that maybe they really are worthless. The feeling is very real, can build quickly and help should be sought by those who feel that way.
The truth is that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Most mistakes can be fixed. Most people will forgive us. Even if the mistakes we make are huge, unfixable, and unforgivable, we still can make changes. We have great value to others who are in our lives and to God as well. Pia Mellody says that. “I can admit to myself that I have worth [even though I am imperfect) and have joy about my worth but also experience pain when I know that my imperfection causes trouble for me and others in relationship with me.
When we make a mistake, and then feel like a failure, we get the focus wrong. If we are saying to ourselves, "Oh I am a failure, no good” (or whatever our version of torment is) then we are not fixing the mistake that we made.
First it isn't true that we are a failure and we will be miserable for nothing. Secondly, if we can look at how we have hurt the other person, it will help us to show them we care about the pain we have caused and want to change. Also, it might help us to avoid repeating the mistake.
In some families, things are really tight financially. Often parents have to put aside their own wants and even needs to make sure that their children have their needs met. But someone who is codependent may never speak up and let their needs be known. They always put others needs first. Their rescuing usually leads them to then resent those who they have helped.
There are many excellent books written about codependence that can help a person to understand how their lives are being affected by their past. Two that are really good at showing how you can work through painful past issues are Kids Who Carry Our Pain, and also Love Hunger.
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